Nightmare
by Atreyl
Summary: He sneaked into the lunchroom and placed a chocolate bar and his DS on the table. In memory of you. Of us, the redhead thought. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and left the place that held dear memories of his blond angel.
1. Nightmare

**Nightmare**

_I can't sleep alone anymore  
I need you here with me  
Even though I closed all the doors  
There's somethin' holdin' me  
Never Ending Nightmare  
Always there instead of you  
Never Ending Nightmare  
No escape this time from you_

-Nightmare, by MSG

* * *

When Mello left, Matt was well past devastated. He wasted nights lying on his bed, staring at the empty bed across the room. It was disheveled, like how Mello had always left it. Matt didn't dare touch it, afraid that if he did, his last and only proof that Mello had ever been with him would be destroyed. He seldom fell asleep, and when he did, he was plagued by nightmares.

Nightmares that had once been at rest thanks to Mello. Now they returned with seemingly more force than ever, showing Matt memories of his and Mello's early years in Whammy's orphanage. They all ended the same way: mocking him in the forms of his now deceased parents. _Did you really think he belonged to you? _his father asked him acidly. _He was never yours. He's never going to come back. _His parents would be the same people, the same unkind, uncaring ones that they had been when they were still alive. And Matt clutched at his sheets, face contorted in pain, thinking desperately, _Mello, please stop them. Please come back._

But the blond never did.

As the year moved along painfully slowly, Matt was forced to believe that the real world was cruel. It hit him like a force, and he was disbelieving at first, because his mind was still used to the games he played. Fantasy. The character in distress was always saved by a hero.

It only caused more pain when Matt realized that Mello was not coming back. He was not going to be the hero, he was not going to save Matt.

So, one day, Matt packed his bags. He was slowly recovering from Mello, having decided that getting away from Whammy's would help. The night before he left, he ruined all of Near's toys, knowing that Mello had always wanted to do that. He also sneaked into the lunchroom and placed a chocolate bar and his DS on the table, which was in the middle of the lunchroom.

_In memory of you. Of us, _the redhead thought. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and left the place that held dear memories of his blond angel.

And here he sat atop his apartment building's roof, looking distastefully down at the city below him. Smoke curled up into the air, coming from the lighted cigarette in his fingers. The night sky loomed up above him, the color being disoriented by the orange tint of his goggles.

He was tired and restless at the same time. His job as a hacker was tiring and the nightmares were slowly ceasing, but for some reason, his eyes refused to shut.

His DS sat beside him, out of battery. He still loved video games as much as he did when he was little. In fact, he hadn't changed much, save the goggles he started wearing all the time. They made him feel secure. And there was Mello...

Matt shook his head, auburn bangs becoming even more tussled. He had, little by little, forgotten his best friend and built a wall, shielding himself from the contact from anyone else. He learned the hard way that most of the time it wasn't good to become too attached to someone. In the end, they'd be ripped away from you, after all.

The sound of his cellphone ringing sliced through the air. Matt blinked once, slipping the device out of his pocket. One look at the caller ID told him that it wasn't his boss. Frowning, the hacker flipped it open, pressing the cold cellphone to his ears.

"Matt," a raspy voice said, sounding relieved. "Help me. Please."

Matt recognized the voice, but he couldn't quite put his finger on who it was. "Who is this?"

"Matt," the voice was strained. There was a cough before the stranger said, "It's Mello."

Mello! Matt didn't hesitate and leaped up. "I'm coming, tell me where you are," he said.

The wall he had carefully built over years slowly crumbled down as he raced to his car, determined not to lose his Mello again.

* * *

**Whoa. Did I just write that?**

**It's my first try at something angsty. How'd I do?**

**.Atreyl**

**PostScript: I'm considering adding another chapter, this one in Mello's point of view.  
**


	2. Smile

**Smile**

Mello:

My smiles are rare ones. Only Matt has seen me smile numerous times. Still, I don't smile enough. I didn't smile when you, Matt, told me countless jokes. I didn't smile when there was that one time I beat Near in Rankings. I didn't smile when I finally met L.

Most of that time, my smiles were smirks. If you were to look that word up, the definition would be something like 'to smile in an insulting way'.

I smile too much of that smile. And...on that morning, on my ninth birthday, when you threw me a surprise birthday party, I smiled for the first time since I was separated from my parents. I smiled because I thought you smiled too much and I smiled too less. I smiled, for you.

And I smile when I see you through one valid eye, pushing off rubble from my chest, and you lift me up and get out of there. It was a faint, bloody smile, and I'm not too sure you saw it. So when I wake up the next morning, bandaged and safe, I turn to you on the other side of the bed and smile a genuine smile. It said, _thank you._

It was that moment I realize that I'm not smiling because I think I owe you it. I'm smiling because I mean it, because I'm happy, happy when I'm with you.

And you smile back. The corner of your lips curve upwards, and the look comes naturally. You're used to it, although to me the concept is foreign.

But you teach me.

Over the years we are together, as the famous duo, I smile more. They're not forced, and these times they come naturally. I smile now at the smallest things: at your reaction when you beat your game, at the innocent look on your face when you're asleep, and the way you're very clumsy.

I did not need to apologize with words, the silence between us as we stare at each other is enough. I've said sorry, and you've forgiven me. Like always.

And I smile. This one is sad, yet happy at the same time. I know that I hurt you by leaving, and I want to say sorry, but I can't, I can't...

You understand. I know this because your arms are wrapped around me in a protective embrace, cheek against my blond hair. I feel you smile against me, and I cry harder, because I can't help but wonder, _how? _How can you still forgive me when I've treated you badly over these previous years? I stole your first kiss, was your first friend, was your first _everything. _

I can't help but wonder how you still can forgive me when I've practically stolen everything from you.

You're whispering sweet nothings into my ear now, and I clutch at you tighter, trying to get across that I was oh, so very sorry.

You squeeze me back reassuringly, and I know you've forgiven me.

And I promise. I promise to never leave you again.

It's a silent promise, but I know that you know me well enough. You nod once, and I pull away.

And I smile. This one is filled with joy.

Now here I sit in the driver's seat with that woman in the back. The small TV next to the wheel flickers to life when I press the power button. My heart is wringing, dying to know whether you'd made it out alive.

Because, oh Matty, if you died, I would never forgive myself.

My heart almost skips a beat when the news anchor's words strike and you're gone. I almost burst out crying right there, but I didn't. I stare straight ahead at the road and keep driving.

And I smile. This one is filled with love, sorrow, and it bears the other one million smiles that I've never given you before.

I smile because I know you never will again. You'll never smile at me again, like you used to when I'd comment on your strange outfit. You'll never smile like you do when I wake you up in the morning for breakfast. You'll never smile like you do when I hug you.

Never again.

And then my heart contracts and I shudder. I know all too well what was happening, but I accept it with a calm I never thought I carried.

_Mail Jeevas, wait for me, just a little longer. I hope you'll forgive me...oh, Matty...  
_

And I try to keep the smile, I really do, but my lips go limp and then it's darkness. Soon, there's that fabled tunnel of light, and I eagerly walk past it, because I know you are waiting for me at the other end_._

You are.

And I smile.

This one radiated pure joy and happiness, as we walk forward, hands clasped together, and all I need is that smile on your face, and I know that I'm yours and forgiven.

* * *

**So, was that okay? /scratches muzzled hair**


End file.
